He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
