Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
is wine microwaveable?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
