i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
