Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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