headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I booty called her while she was in labor.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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