She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I love having hate sex.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
