I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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