Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
