dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
