Your face is a jimmy john
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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