Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
