Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
