You were right. It hurts to walk today.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
