I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
