it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
