if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
