The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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