Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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