I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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