on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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