i love accidental penises.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
