If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
