Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
