dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
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