worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
