I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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