So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Randomize
