listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
