I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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