It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
