True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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