I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
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I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
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I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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