I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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