In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
