Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
