you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
