Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
