I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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