what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
