I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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