I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I am one with the molecules
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
