When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
