wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
