Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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