I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
