you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
