How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My feet surprised me
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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