Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
