Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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