Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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