Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
