Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
