as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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