he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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