doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
