i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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