I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
