I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
