If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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