I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The uberlube is also flammable
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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