I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
