drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
