Don't make out with my wife yet
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
