FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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